Daffodil Thief. Christian. Dreamer.

Clearly I haven’t had to do this in a while, and I always forget how much one’s brain has to process, you know?

The first day, it was just a sense of relief - things have been weird for the past few months and I was finally able to just stop stressing over when he was going to call it off, like this dark cloud wasn’t weighing me down anymore. But every day since then has gotten a little harder, with tonight being classifiably “rough.”

Those little realizations are starting to kick in, because really, it’s the little things that make up a relationship. I can’t hug him when I see him. I can’t hold his hand on the couch while we watch tv with our friends. I can’t send him “good morning” or “good night” texts. It’d be weird to tell him that I’m praying for his classes and his internship application. How he’s still the one I want to tell about my day, and the funny moments or fantastic conversations that I had. How I still want to be there for him to lean on me when he needs someone. It’s hard coming to terms with the fact that he doesn’t expect that from me anymore. It’s beyond that, actually. He doesn’t even want that from me anymore.

I forget how busy I tend to keep myself after break-ups. How worn out I am by the end of the day, when little thoughts come creeping up out of some small corner of my memory. Of the night we watched a movie back-to-back(and almost another -to-back) just because we wanted to spend time together. Our first date. The first time we had the “I have a crush on you” conversation. Doing homework together. Drives and dances and meals and Christmas lights. Conversations where we could both be silly and ourselves. And I’m always too tired to discipline myself against thinking about him. I’m not even disciplined enough to not blog about all this.

I know no one really cares to read this. Of course this is a “boo-who, woe is to me” post. But everyone has to get it out of their systems somehow, and this is my break-up detox. It’s hard getting over feelings for someone who doesn’t return them. It’s even harder getting over feelings for someone who once did.